Stuff it with plants like OC mentioned above and do a silent cycle, or try adding lots and lots of goo from your lfs, lots of Prime, plus a couple of hardy fish - I hate to recommend this, but you seem at your wits' end.
I agree, OC, that's why I suggested if having to add fish, choose very hardy fish that can withstand the cycle, and use Prime and plants to offset the ammonia stress.
If you have an LFS that you like, they may be willing to let you Swish their filters out into a gallon or so of water directly from their tanks. The brown much it makes is full of bacteria and will basically allow you to skip the cycling process. The water should be VERY brown and nasty. You will need to add fish immediately to make this work as the bacteria will die with out fish in the tank (this is why you can't buy bacteria, because it won't live on the shelf)
I would stay away from pond water. Gold fish will also jump start the process for you if you cant make fish goo. But you can't keep them in there long term.